Helena's Pickle-Matic
by Minja
Summary: *l* Random insanity from the July 24 eppi. What if Helena DID pickle Stavros...how does she do it!? *random giggles*


Authors note: Hey! I've noticed there's not a lot of GH humor out there, so I hope everyone keeps in mind this IS humor/parody, and so, everyone's a little Out Of Character (OOC). I know Luke is being sorta stupid here, but its all for the sake of humor, so please read with an open mind. Thank you.  
  
Warnings: OOC  
  
~*~*~*  
  
Helena's Pickle-matic  
by Minja  
  
  
*Scene opens. We are in Helena's 'lair' during the July 24 eppi (I think). Luke is down there with Helena and her goons, who are keeping him from escaping. Luke has been questioning Helena about her 'master plan' and she, in turn, has been playing her own game of cat-and-mouse, happily knowing that Luke will never guess that she's....well, you'll see......*  
  
Helena: *Pulls sheet off the huge clear fish-tank thing that holds Stavros, presumably dead*  
  
Luke: *Bug-eyed* Woah! Is he stuffed? Did you pickle him?  
  
Helena: *Snickers slightly, then seems to realize herself. She turns towards the camera and gives a frighteningly warm smile* No.._I_didn't pickle him..  
  
Luke: *Puzzled* YOU didn't? Is he pickled?  
  
Helena: *Still looking at the camera, smiling* Yes indeed! Pickled Son! Pickled Son!  
  
Luke: *Sorta freaked* Well, if you didn't pickle him...WHO DID?!  
  
Helena: *Grinning happily, still, and yes, it still is very disturbing* No-one did...No body, that is. But a little friend of mine DID help..but not anything that could be considered alive...*Helena turns to her goons, who start to go into Vanna White poses, pointing at a large piece of machinery off in the distance.*  
  
Luke: What in the-*He is dumbstruck by the amazing machinery*   
  
Helena: Yes, in my spare time between destroying your family, I have come up with many things. The poison at almost killed Lucas. A way to bring the dead back to life. And one of my greatest...one hundred percent seamless pantyhose!  
  
Luke:* In awe* 100% seamless hose? Yes! I knew it could be done!  
  
Helena: But beyond that...I enjoy pickling. Well, its a hard job...I can't even describe, really. The Brine gets all over your clothes, you smell, and whenever what you pickle doesn't pickle right..it can be messy.  
  
Luke: *Nodding, and suddenly smiling at the camera too* I could imagine! How do you cope!?  
  
Helena: Well, that's actually why I put mind control in your son. I needed help with my pickling.  
  
Luke: Really? I was all worried for nothing. Pickling is a fun, family friendly entertainment choice. Good for all ages! *Winks at the camera*  
  
Helena: Yes indeed! However, Lucky couldn't help me pickle, all the time. And so, I had to abandon my hobby..*Starts weeping*  
  
Luke: *Rushes over to Helena and begins to comfort her* I know, it's hard...  
  
Helena: *Pulls herself together* BUT! Then I had my brilliant idea....why not invent a device that makes pickling a snap! *Snaps fingers* Just like that!  
  
Luke: *Snaps fingers also* Just like that?!  
  
Helena: Yes! *Snap* Just like that!  
  
Luke: *Snap* JUST LIKE THAT!?  
  
Helena: *Punches Luke* Oh shut up...*Pastes on warm smile again*   
  
Luke: *Clutching stomach in agony* T'at's t'herrificss..  
  
Helena: *Nodding* Yes! It's so easy...Goons, please..  
  
*Helena's goons wheel out the large machine. It basically looks like a huge, human sized jar. Ontop of the jar is an electric fence and a crane. The jar is full of brine. The goons strike another pose*  
  
Helena: See! Its very simple to operate.....*She waits while the goons clip the back of Luke's shirt to the crane. The Crane lifts Luke up and places him into the jar with the pickle juice.*  
  
Goon #1: *Winking at Helena* But what's keeping Ol' Luke from simple hopping out of the jar?  
  
Helena: I don't know. Luke? Can you get out!?  
  
Luke: *Very agitated* Of course! It doesn't take a genius...*Precedes to attempt to jump out, getting shocked by the electric fence and falling back into the jar with a splash* AHHHHHHH!  
  
Helena: *Grinning warmly* Indeed. I forgot about that!  
  
Goon #2: *Also winks* So..how does it do it?!  
  
Helena: *Primly* My lovely electric fence works wonders! Then, use the crane's special turning ability to screw on the lid...  
  
*Crane proceeds to screw on lid. Luke is looking out of the jar, grinning cheekily, completely submersed in pickle juice.*  
  
Luke: *Coming out his mouth in bubbles* This is great! Helena....let me out...  
  
Helena: *Snickering* A great way to get rid of pesky sons and annoying Luke's...  
  
Luke: *Eyes bug. Still bubbling* Lemme outta here!  
  
Helena: MWAHAHAHA! My evil plan to pickle all the Spencers is complete!  
  
Goon #3: Say, this is a great invention, how can I get one?  
  
Helena: *Grinning* Just dial 1-800-PICKLELUKE..  
  
Goon#3: That's 1-800-PICKLELUKE?  
  
Helena: Yes! Just call and ask for Helena's Pickle-matic! An ideal family gift  
  
Luke: *In jar, drowning. Mouthing words* Evil, evil lady. will take over world! Stop her!  
  
Helena: *Cackling* You will be pickled soon! I will achieve world domination! I shall pickle the universe! MWAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Goon #3: Helena! Be nice! We're still rolling tape for the commercial!  
  
*Helena seems to get out of her 'evil' stage and grins nicely at the camera*  
  
Helena: Order one, today!  
  
~End~  
  
  
  
  
  



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